Started this new drug which is a chemo drug and as of Monday we’ve upped the dose. I am a mess. In several days I have to up the dose again. I am so fatigued, headache, body aches, hot and cold flashes, nausea, irritable, exhausted…nightmares and sweaty sleep. Poor me.
Yesterday when I had a small window of feeling better I went to the dollar store to get some cheap fun things to help keep my son occupied over the next few days. I got more bubbles, a valentine balloon, some books, some large red velvet letters that we can glue or just play with. I think thats it. I had assumed my BF would go to the store for me on the way home from work but he didn’t so today I don’t really have any easy to prepare foods. (Ok thats not true I can make sandwiches and i think I have a frozen rice dish and some leftover chicken.) But I think I was hoping for microwave meals and healthy snack foods that dont require preparing. Well, he did actually go to the store and got me three bouquets of roses and tulips which is so beautiful ( but my heart sank that he didn’t get me any groceries)..yeah, I need to be more grateful for what I have. This morning I stayed in bed while BF took the baby and made breakfast. (OK I am very lucky that I have him and I have lovely flowers to look at!) Eventually I moved to the the couch and ate a toaster waffle. Baby boy was being so sweet covering me with three blankets and giving me his stuffed animals. As soon as BF left, baby boy took his milk and poured it all over the rug, couch, floor, coffee table etc. Took me a minute to clear the haze and realize what he was doing. So I cleaned that up and then recovered from the effort for a minute.
TRY AS HARD AS POSSIBLE TO NOT HAVE A PITY PARTY! I’m going to try and be grateful for all that I have and try hard to not focus on how terrible I feel and how depressing the next phase of my life seems. This medicine is going to work! The symptoms will get better in time. And if it doesn’t work I will find a better drug. That is all. Moving forward.
get dressed in yoga clothes, put in contacts
load dishes in dishwasher
wipe down bathroom with wipe
aquaphor on feet and cheeks, eyedrops (this is pampering myself)
Take baby outside in the sunshine to blow bubbles
Send baby to mom’s for an hour while i make us food for the rest of the day. Have coffee or tea. (Thank Jesus/Buddha/Allah/my sweet parents for living next door!) Spend 2 minutes picking up toys. Write this up on tumblr-my therapy.
Lunch and nap baby and try to nap myself
clean up lunch
Do my exercises on the floor with baby -make it fun
Bring out dollar store surprise if needed
Make valentines with baby for Grandma and Grandpa and BF and deliver them next door. (My dad is bedridden with MS so he will appreciate the visit and valentine. Mom has a cardiologist appointment so check to make sure Dad doesn’t need a snack or water or something while she is gone.)
Do some easy fun activity like: bathtime, stories while laying down, bubbles in the bathtub, throw and fetch ball and if all else fails break glass and grab the tv remote.
Dinner and take vitamins
clean up dinner, dishes in washer, wipe counter, wipe down high chair
Bath time if not already done
Get baby ready for bed
wait for BF to come home
Take my meds on time
Spend 2 minutes cleaning up toys and books
Go to bed by 11pm
I don’t expect UFYH to publish this because its just a personal list and there is no unfucking happening, but I just want to thank her High-UnfuckYourHabita-ness for helping me get through these hard days with some grace and a cleaner home. The unfucking I did over the last couple of months is really paying off now and I am able to tread water with a little kick to the pants. Although laundry is piling up, and my house is a little cluttered, my home is staying sanitary, and the dishes are getting done. That, is amazing. So, if you read this Miss UFYH, I thank you fromt he bottom of my heart. Thank you for doing this for free and with money out of your own pocket. If I could, I would donate to you. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day! (If I figure out how to message you privately I will) XOXO