I’m back and WORSE than ever!

Well, it’s been over a year since my last update. I’m having a rough time after a fairly good year so I am turning to this as a little support and to try to get my head on straight. I’m in the middle of a bad MS flare, currently hooked up to my fifth IV drip of steroids, exploring scary medication options, trying to get an MRI of my brain, neck and spine, trying to rest, trying to pretend I feel fine for my son. Trying to keep the house going, picking up a little, dishes, laundry. I’m supposed to like go to bed for two weeks and recover from these steroids but there is no way I can do that. I’m supposed to recover from my flare for the next weeks-months-year? by relaxing, and eating right and avoiding stress and all that jazz…but how can i? I swear this disease is only for the independently wealthy who can be on vacation forever and have loads and loads of money for medical expenses, acupuncturists, physical therapists, psychologists, general joy stuff, personal assistants, house cleaners, cooks and nannies.

I’m very fortunate that I have my mom and my boyfriend. Im super fortunate that I have my adorable, smart, funny son who keeps me going. Without him I would be in a major depression hosting my own lonely pity party. But thanks to him I only get to do that for a few minutes at a time. Then I have to laugh and play and get back to work. 

We had to cancel my son’s big 3rd birthday bash. Its in a week and there is no way I can pull it off so it will be a little thing for family only, meaning my two elderly parents and my boyfriend. I mean who cares-my son doesnt. Although he likes kids, I think a big birthday would be a little stressful on him. I mean all he wants is lots of presents and cake and to not have to share with others. 

So yesterday I didn’t find time to take pics or post but I’m going to brag that I did 3 loads of laundry-washed dried and put away goddamnit! I also did a load of dishes, wiped down the bathroom before the nurse came, cleaned off the dining room table, made fairly healthy food and did a small amount of gentle exercise. All with an IV line in my arm and numb feet. It helped that my mom had my son for about 5 hours although he helped me with all of the laundry folding :) I’m here. I’m able to walk. I’m alive and I am grateful. I’m going to get better. I have to. 

Motivation? Who? What?

I need motivation. I have house guests arriving in less than two weeks. The place is ok. Messy home with kids, you know. But I want it to be cleaner. It’s scuzzy in a way that before kids would have icked me out. None of my guests have kids, so I really want them to feel comfortable here. I’m kind of freaking out internally. I know I look like I’m laying on the couch enjoying some The Face but really I’m stressed out. I just can’t seem to start. 

Things I need to do:

Deep clean bathroom including the gross stains on the ceiling. send baby to mom’s while I do this)

Tame the paper monster all over the office and bleeding into other areas of the house. (this is what I have needed to do my whole life so this job is like climbing everest to me, barefoot. And I can’t do it when baby is awake. )

Find and wash guest bedding and towels. (I’m scared of this because if I search for these lost things I may create a bigger mess that will create a domino effect of destruction. )

Deep clean the refrigerator and throw away the putrid food. (I might throw up)

Clean out my car-throw away trash, wipe down dust and vacuum if I can. (I think I will take a garbage bag down and a spray bottle and rags and just do a little each time I use the car.)

Thats really the most urgent stuff. If I get those things done I will be able to relax a little about my house when they are here. I still don’t know how to start. 

Very Sick Day (Happy Valentine’s Day!) and Thank you UFYH!

Started this new drug which is a chemo drug and as of Monday we’ve upped the dose. I am a mess. In several days I have to up the dose again. I am so fatigued, headache, body aches, hot and cold flashes, nausea, irritable, exhausted…nightmares and sweaty sleep. Poor me. 

Yesterday when I had a small window of feeling better I went to the dollar store to get some cheap fun things to help keep my son occupied over the next few days. I got more bubbles, a valentine balloon, some books, some large red velvet letters that we can glue or just play with. I think thats it.  I had assumed my BF would go to the store for me on the way home from work but he didn’t so today I don’t really have any easy to prepare foods. (Ok thats not true I can make sandwiches and i think I have a frozen rice dish and some leftover chicken.) But I think I was hoping for microwave meals and healthy snack foods that dont require preparing. Well, he did actually go to the store and got me three bouquets of roses and tulips which is so beautiful ( but my heart sank that he didn’t get me any groceries)..yeah, I need to be more grateful for what I have. This morning I stayed in bed while BF took the baby and made breakfast. (OK I am very lucky that I have him and I have lovely flowers to look at!) Eventually I moved to the the couch and ate a toaster waffle. Baby boy was being so sweet covering me with three blankets and giving me his stuffed animals. As soon as BF left, baby boy took his milk and poured it all over the rug, couch, floor, coffee table etc. Took me a minute to clear the haze and realize what he was doing. So I cleaned that up and then recovered from the effort for a minute.

Today’s plan:

TRY AS HARD AS POSSIBLE TO NOT HAVE A PITY PARTY! I’m going to try and be grateful for all that I have and try hard to not focus on how terrible I feel and how depressing the next phase of my life seems. This medicine is going to work! The symptoms will get better in time. And if it doesn’t work I will find a better drug. That is all.  Moving forward. 

get dressed in yoga clothes, put in contacts

Make bed

load dishes in dishwasher

wipe down bathroom with wipe

aquaphor on feet and cheeks, eyedrops (this is pampering myself)

Take baby outside in the sunshine to blow bubbles 

Send baby to mom’s for an hour while i make us food for the rest of the day. Have coffee or tea. (Thank Jesus/Buddha/Allah/my sweet parents for living next door!) Spend 2 minutes picking up toys. Write this up on tumblr-my therapy.

Lunch and nap baby and try to nap myself

clean up lunch

After nap:

run dishwasher

Do my exercises on the floor with baby -make it fun

Bring out dollar store surprise if needed

Make valentines with baby for Grandma and Grandpa and BF and deliver them next door. (My dad is bedridden with MS so he will appreciate the visit and valentine. Mom has a cardiologist appointment so check to make sure Dad doesn’t need a snack or water or something while she is gone.)

Do some easy fun activity like: bathtime, stories while laying down, bubbles in the bathtub, throw and fetch ball and if all else fails break glass and grab the tv remote.

Dinner and take vitamins

clean up dinner, dishes in washer, wipe counter, wipe down high chair

Bath time if not already done

Get baby ready for bed

wait for BF to come home

Take my meds on time

Spend 2 minutes cleaning up toys and books

Go to bed by 11pm 

I don’t expect UFYH to publish this because its just a personal list and there is no unfucking happening, but I just want to thank her High-UnfuckYourHabita-ness for helping me get through these hard days with some grace and a cleaner home. The unfucking I did over the last couple of months is really paying off now and I am able to tread water with a little kick to the pants. Although laundry is piling up, and my house is a little cluttered, my home is staying sanitary, and the dishes are getting done. That, is amazing. So, if you read this Miss UFYH, I thank you fromt he bottom of my heart. Thank you for doing this for free and with money out of your own pocket. If I could, I would donate to you. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day! (If I figure out how to message you privately I will) XOXO

Tags: ufyh

Sick Day

Today is a sick day. No major unfucking will get done. But I am going to try and keep the damage to a minimum while doing the bare minimum. After a sick weekend I have tons of dishes and a dirty kitchen. The rest of the house is looking ok. 

Got dressed in comfy clothes and put in contacts

made bed

washed a jacket and hung it to dry

changed and dressed baby

assessed the food situation and determined what I could make today with ease (frozen meals and smoothies)

Made a smoothie, frozen pancakes and blueberries for baby and me for breakfast

Green tea

Changed and dressed baby

Loaded dishwasher with only the few dishes that i thought I would need today and ran them on a quick wash. 

Cleaned off one area of counter so that I would have a place to work today. 

Threw away any obvious garbage around the kitchen.

When my hands let me down

I went to the grocery store. I had been doing too much for a week or two. Enjoying my energy. Sometimes my hands would be too weak to open a bottle but I would just ask BF to open them for me before he went to work. 

Then I went to the store for the first time in a week or so. I’ve been mostly avoiding public spaces as much as possible to avoid the flu. My spine and brain can not afford for me to get the flu. After lifting my baby out of the car seat and then into the shopping cart, then gripping the cart while I pushed it around the store and then lifting my bags into the car and then lifting my baby into his seat, suddenly my hands had no power left to buckle him in. I could lift the buckles but my forearms felt heavy. I had no power to release the button so that I could get him in. I texted my BF with my frustration but my hands were too weak to keep texting him. We shared some snacks from the shopping bags and I tried to calm my impatient son and keep him from climbing out of his seat while desperately trying to let my hands and arms rest so that they could recharge, hopefully. They would right? I mean I hoped so and had to have faith that they would get stronger, soon, after a rest. Would I have to ask the mother who was in the car next to me to buckle him in for me? Would she think I was crazy? would I try in a awkward way to explain why I couldn’t do it myself. Would she wonder how I could drive? Or how I could be a good parent? would she judge me? And think I shouldn’t have a child if I couldn’t do such a simple task.

All I do, all I want to do is take phenomenal care of my most loved little person and yet I feel like I fail him when I can’t even buckle him in for his most basic safety. And how would i get him out again once we were home? Would I call my mom and worry her? Should I even drive if my hands have trouble gripping? I felt so useless, helpless, demoralized. My spirit weakening with the power leaving my hands. There was a long line of cars waiting for my spot. The parking lot attendant waiting to help me back my car out of the spot. I had to try and get it all out of my mind. Stress makes my body weaker. Don’t think of them. Don’t worry that you might be losing the use of your hands forever. Don’t think about how this might be the little tiny beginning of a long steep slippery slope of never using my hands again. The beginning of really not being able to care for my son.

After some crackers, some deep breaths, some giggles with my son and his patience bestowed on me. After the cars waiting had moved on. After the mom next to me had gone into the store and come back out. After I had watched her as she easily buckled her son in and drove off. After 20 or 30 minutes, I tried again. And I couldn’t do it. 

I just didn’t want to ask for help. And I had told my BF I would take care of it.  I ended up removing my son’s sweater and jacket so that I could get the buckles together with less force. It worked. Doing that gave me just a little less resistance so that I could buckle his seat belt. I got into the front seat and I drove home. Three minutes later I willed myself to get the seatbelt undone without calling my mom. I willed myself to gett he bags out of the car and to get my son(making him walk) into the house. I did it. Now all I had to do was hold him until he fell asleep. I am so thankful that he wants me to hold him while he falls asleep. I am so thankful that I can. Some experts would say I need to train him to fall asleep without me holding him, swaying to music. But I say I am happy to do it while I can. 

Shame=Motivation (I did it you guys!! Before and After Pics)

I’m posting these to get myself motivated to work on this room. It’s been hard to find the time to address this room. But it is driving me crazy. Every single day it makes me lose my mind and bubble with fury, guilt and shame internally, quietly, in a I look cool on the outside kind of a way but one day I might snap. So, maybe if I post the pics it will shame me into making some sweet after pics. Or at least some sweet progress pics. image


Very pic heavy…More after the jump! 

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I have no motivation today. My muscles are sore because I have been doing a new kind of workout. I have probably been doing too much over the last week and ignoring the little tiny signals that tell me to slow down. Its hard because I NEED to get stronger and fitter while I can so that when I am knocked down I dont lose as much. I have so much weight to lose but more importantly I need more strength and stamina and endurance. So when I am feeling good I want to push it and then I get so exhausted it depresses me. Also when I feel good I keep adding more and more on. Like I just told the man to give me more work. I also pushed for hosting a party this Friday which means a MAJOR cleaning effort. What am I thinking?? I need to do less to compensate for the more I am doing physically. I need to stop and slow down. I’m going to repeat that so I can get it through my thick skull. I NEED TO DO LESS.

So although I just want to lay on the couch all day (which is a nice thought but impossible with a 19 month old) I am committing to getting more rest today but also fulfilling my basic chores I have to do: 


Unload dishwasher

Make Bed 

Fold and put away what is in the dryer

load breakfast dishes

Lay down and read baby a book

Late morning:

Get baby in the back yard to run off some energy

Cook lunch and prep dinner

load dishes in dishwasher

Refresh wrinkled Laundry

Get baby napped

Do my stretching while baby naps and LAY DOWN(sleep if possible)

Late afternoon/Evening:

Cook and clean up dinner

Make and drink a green smoothie

Fold and hang and put away laundry

Give baby a bath

Give myself a epsom salt bath (if baby seems like he can handle hanging out with me in the bathroom without my bath becoming a hellish soaking struggle to stop him from emptying all off the toilet paper all over the floor/chasing him around buck naked or whatever else he likes to do)

Play with and read to baby (of course I always do this, and all day long, but on hard days I need to add it to the list because it is an effort that I need to get through. Crossing it off makes me feel like I did something.)

Load dishes and run dishwasher

Wipe down surfaces with disinfectent (trying to keep us from getting sick. Cannot afford the flu right now)

  1. bathroom
  2. kitchen
  3. highchair
  4. doorknobs
  5. light switches
  6. changing table/diaper pail

Find my paycheck that baby just stole and hid while I was writing this (and hopefully did not tear up) :(

Drive to bank and deposit check

Extra credits:

Stop at dollar store

Wiped up floor under high chair

picked up toys for a few minutes

swept kitchen floor

bleach cat food dishes

took baby for a walk

did a dance workout for 10 minutes

Mopped kitchen floor

So I think I did pretty much everything I set out to do today except get to the bank and take a bath. I even did “extra credits” which is stupid because I was supposed to do LESS. The good news is the party has been changed to a different location so I don’t have to get my house ready for that on Friday. The thing is I did a lot today, more than I should have, but it still wasn’t enough to combat the daily abuse this house takes. I mean I treaded water but the water level rose. I didn’t unfuck anything. I did maintenance. But there is still a shit ton of toys to pick up, books, papers, crayons, about 10 large empty boxes that the babe plays with or else needs to go into recycling…In other words the living room is fucked. But it is 11pm and I am too tired. There are some things-I dont even know what-all over the kitchen counters. The laundry room is fucked. Bedrooms are looking good. Bathroom could use a little love…. But things are pretty sanitary. I’m rambling. I am tired. So tomorrow I am going to try again. To rest more. To do less but not so much less that the house begins to drown rapidly. It’s a game. A game of balance and chance. XO

Cat Pee Unfucked

My new kitten peed on the leather couch. I tried not to freak out because having a house that smells like cat pee is one of my biggest nightmares. I was in a flare with my MS and miserable so I cleaned it as best I could with vinegar and Bac out. I ordered Feliway hoping that would help calm him down until I could get to the vet (didn’t help). Then I found pee in his cat bed. Soaked through to the floor. Vinegar, several washings in hot water and some Bac-out and everything was better. I figured he was scared of the washing machine next to his litter box because he has a few “issues” including nervousness, mild brain damage, etc… Good thing he is the sweetest most handsomest kitty! (Proof will be provided)

Then, he peed on MY BED. It happened to be while I was laundering the sheets and the waterproof mattress cover so a huge amount of concentrated “intact” male cat pee soaked into my mattress. This was so depressing, and I was really worried about him and his future. I had visions of having to put him down, of having to burn my mattress, of dollar signs and madness. The smell was intense. My mattress is less than 2 years old and I couldn’t afford another $1000 or more on a new one. I was sick, had a child to take care of and many things going on so all I could do was vinegar and launder. But he peed on my bed again. And again. In a panic I consulted Unfuck Your Habitat for cat pee tips and luckily some angel mentioned Catfaeries.com. I did a bunch of online research late into the night and ordered a bunch of supplies. I also took him the the vet. 

Here is how I Unfucked the cat pee. It’s long but maybe it will help someone else with the cat pee curse, so… after the jump!

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Simple Routines

This past week every morning I have:

made the bed

unloaded the dishwasher

started a load of laundry

I’m keeping it simple. It has been amazing how much these simple routines have helped me. Of course there are a million other things I do in the day but I am sticking to these simple routines. When I get lost or distracted, I just go back to this list and see what to do. 

In the middle of the day:

Prepare lunch and dinner

Put laundry in the dryer

Load dishwasher with dirty dishes

Do a cleaning job for 15-45 minutes (pick a different room each day) Make it fun with the kid :)

Spend a few minutes decluttering-picking up toys or cleaning off the dining table.

In the Evening:

Finish loading the dishwasher and run it.

Fold and put away laundry.

Tags: ufyh

 ”Comparison is the thief of joy" Theodore Roosevelt